Happiness comes in waves
There are 6 different aspects of self love as seen in the previous blog post. I've attached a wonderfully informational document I found on Pinterest that defines the different types.
When you are making time for yourself and working on self love, remember to be intentional about the type of self love you show yourself. If you get a lot of social self love but not a lot of spiritual self love, focus on something spiritual. Also, acknowledge the self love that you do, if you let it go without acknowledgement it won't feel as momentous, it won't feel as comforting as if you take the time to sit with and give space to the love you're already giving yourself.
I want to talk about giving grace, both to yourself and to those around you and even still to those you don't know. In this time of change and complete uncertainty it is important to give yourself grace. When you're feeling overwhelmed or stressed out give yourself grace, don't judge yourself or others too harshly, even baby steps make a difference. If all you can do is baby steps, take it. Rejoice in those baby steps. If you take a step in the wrong direction, acknowledge it, understand it and then move in a different direction. There is no "right" or "wrong" choice, there is only the choice you make. You are doing the best you can, give yourself some grace if you "mess up", find the lesson in your mistake and then give yourself the grace and the space to move forward from it.
Remember, if you need help giving yourself grace and finding the space for yourself or others feel free to reach out for a coaching session or a discovery call.
I want to talk about your reservoir of self love. When you take care of yourself you fill up your reservoir of love, self love. When that reservoir is empty you can't take care of another person, there's no room. Maintaining your own reservoir is very important, not only for you but also for others. Having a full reservoir means you have more to give, you can show your love more freely because you aren't trying desperately to hold on to the small amount of love you have left. When love is abundant within yourself it makes it easier to love others. Being able to prioritize yourself with this mindset that it will ultimately help others will make it easier to take the time and space for yourself. Now the question is how?
We all know the trendy self care activities including, take a bubble bath, light some candles, put on a face mask, etc. However, there are actually more things you can do! You can meditate, connect with nature by taking a walk, connect with an old friend, play with animals, and so much more. Next week's blog post will go over the 6 different types of self love and what to do when you aren't nurturing that aspect so stay tuned!
Shout out to Just Break Up - a wonderful relationship advice podcast that eloquently discusses the reservoir of self love.
Standing up is one of the most brave and empowering things you can do. Standing up when the world is in a state of crisis is even more brave and even more empowering.
Stand up for yourself, take the space you need. Standing up takes courage but you are capable, you are strong enough and you are worthy.
Now the question is how?
1. Take stock of your emotions when certain topics come up
2. Sit with yourself and your feelings surrounding those topics
3. Determine what you can do that will bring you back into alignment with yourself
4. Now do it, stand up, ask for what you need and don't give up
Everyone is worthy of standing up and taking up space.
What makes you feel worthy?
What makes you feel worthy that isn't another person? That isn't tied to another person's approval?
It's important to be able to differentiate between what makes you feel worthy, just as you are, and what makes you feel worthy based on someone else's opinion of you or their approval of your choices. If you can identify when you're feeling intrinsically worthy and when you're searching for other people's approval you'll be able to figure out what makes you happy. The things that make you truly happy, truly proud of yourself are the ones that make you feel intrinsically worthy and have nothing to do with other people. Once you identify when you are looking for the approval of others you can start to dismantle it, you can start to catch yourself in the act and break it down. Once you've done that enough times you'll start to value the approval of others differently, it will be more of a boost to your own worthiness rather than an all encompassing reason to do something.
Definition: "excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner, typically one who requires support on account of an illness or addiction". Also, "...a relationship that enables another person to maintain their irresponsible, addictive, or underachieving behavior"
How does it show up?
Low self-esteem, people pleasing, poor boundaries, high reactivity, care taking, searching for control, dysfunctional communications, obsessions, denial, intimacy problems, painful emotions.
Questions you can ask yourself:
~Do you expend all of your energy in meeting your partner’s needs?
~Do you feel trapped in your relationship?
~Are you the one that is constantly making sacrifices in your relationship?
If you answered "yes" to these questions you might be in a codependent relationship.
How can I do damage control on it?
~Relaxation is paramount - closing your eyes and relaxing each body part from your toes to your nose! Get a mindfulness/meditation app (I recommend insight timer).
~Turn your focus on yourself, remember that you are as important as your partner.
~Get professional help!
Resources For Getting Help:
We seem to have this idea that life is scarce. If you make one decision you've automatically lost out on all other opportunities. What if - hear me out here - what if life was abundant? What if you could have everything you've ever dreamed of?
I'll give you a hint, you can!
Life is not scarce, making one choice doesn't count you out of all other choices and opportunities. Whatever choice you make is the "right one" because it's the one you chose. There are many opportunities in the world, once a decision is made those opportunities don't necessarily go away, they simply change or they reappear when you're ready for them. To fully embrace life we have to acknowledge the fact that it's not scarce, it's abundant.
If you're looking for a sign, this is it. The best thing you can do for yourself is show up.
Show up to what you're scared to show up to.
Show up to what you've been avoiding.
Show up to everything like you've never shown up before.
The least you can do for yourself is go to the things you feel a pull towards, show up for the conversations you are needing to have. If nothing else, be there. The first step to creating a happy life is figuring out what you want to do and showing up for it. Being there for yourself and for those around you is the best thing you can do, sometimes, it's the only thing you can do, and that's ok!
As always, if you need help figuring out what you want to show up to, contact me to set up a coaching session. Remember, show up!
Hello again! It's time for my weekly blog post. This one is going to be pretty short and to the point: you can't hold on to people. Ok, that's it, bye!!
Just kidding! But really, let that sink in. You can't hold on to people. What does that mean?
Well, people are autonomous, right? They make their own choices. Which means you can't control them or their decisions, if they made the decision to leave your life, you have to let them. That being said, of course it's ok to grieve their loss. But you can't hold on to them. You have to let people go when they want to be let go, it's the only way to move on and find your true happiness. If they made the choice to leave you then that person - whether it was a romantic relationship or not - wasn't your true happiness. Believe what people tell you and even more so, what they show you. People are only as good as their actions and intentions.
Happy Quarantine Week #879... or something.
First, let's talk definitions.
Boundaries: open ended, they don't have to be either/or, they simply block out some of the possibilities, they are something you set for yourself. Boundaries likely show up as "I" statements. i.e. "I need ____ from you so I can feel content"
Ultimatums: come from the desire for control or force. They shut down all other options. Ultimatums likely show up as "you" statements. i.e. "you need to fix _____ for me to stay with you"
When you're setting your boundaries, remember, they need to come from your personal needs or wants, not as a way to manipulate someone else. When others are setting their own boundaries, remember, they shouldn't make you feel stuck, if you do feel stuck it is most likely an ultimatum. Also, when you are setting boundaries make sure you are willing to follow through with the "consequences", otherwise it turns into a threat or something you are holding over your partner. For example: "For me to feel like this relationship is healthy and sustainable I need us to work on _____, either through counseling or some alternative, otherwise, I will need to leave the relationship". This might look like a slippery slope - and it is - if the answer to this statement is "I am not willing to work with you on this" then that person has to follow through with their boundary (leaving the relationship) for it to be considered a boundary. Otherwise, the "I will leave you if you don't do ____" becomes a threat or an ultimatum.
Essentially, it is all in the intent which is why it can be such a slippery slope. However, there is a big difference between the intent to take care of yourself and the intent to manipulate or control your partner.
I support individuals who find their lives are unbalanced, whether that's from working too much, having unhealthy relationships with themselves or others, or simply needing more from their lives.