What makes you feel worthy?
What makes you feel worthy that isn't another person? That isn't tied to another person's approval?
It's important to be able to differentiate between what makes you feel worthy, just as you are, and what makes you feel worthy based on someone else's opinion of you or their approval of your choices. If you can identify when you're feeling intrinsically worthy and when you're searching for other people's approval you'll be able to figure out what makes you happy. The things that make you truly happy, truly proud of yourself are the ones that make you feel intrinsically worthy and have nothing to do with other people. Once you identify when you are looking for the approval of others you can start to dismantle it, you can start to catch yourself in the act and break it down. Once you've done that enough times you'll start to value the approval of others differently, it will be more of a boost to your own worthiness rather than an all encompassing reason to do something.
Definition: "excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner, typically one who requires support on account of an illness or addiction". Also, "...a relationship that enables another person to maintain their irresponsible, addictive, or underachieving behavior"
How does it show up?
Low self-esteem, people pleasing, poor boundaries, high reactivity, care taking, searching for control, dysfunctional communications, obsessions, denial, intimacy problems, painful emotions.
Questions you can ask yourself:
~Do you expend all of your energy in meeting your partner’s needs?
~Do you feel trapped in your relationship?
~Are you the one that is constantly making sacrifices in your relationship?
If you answered "yes" to these questions you might be in a codependent relationship.
How can I do damage control on it?
~Relaxation is paramount - closing your eyes and relaxing each body part from your toes to your nose! Get a mindfulness/meditation app (I recommend insight timer).
~Turn your focus on yourself, remember that you are as important as your partner.
~Get professional help!
Resources For Getting Help:
We seem to have this idea that life is scarce. If you make one decision you've automatically lost out on all other opportunities. What if - hear me out here - what if life was abundant? What if you could have everything you've ever dreamed of?
I'll give you a hint, you can!
Life is not scarce, making one choice doesn't count you out of all other choices and opportunities. Whatever choice you make is the "right one" because it's the one you chose. There are many opportunities in the world, once a decision is made those opportunities don't necessarily go away, they simply change or they reappear when you're ready for them. To fully embrace life we have to acknowledge the fact that it's not scarce, it's abundant.
If you're looking for a sign, this is it. The best thing you can do for yourself is show up.
Show up to what you're scared to show up to.
Show up to what you've been avoiding.
Show up to everything like you've never shown up before.
The least you can do for yourself is go to the things you feel a pull towards, show up for the conversations you are needing to have. If nothing else, be there. The first step to creating a happy life is figuring out what you want to do and showing up for it. Being there for yourself and for those around you is the best thing you can do, sometimes, it's the only thing you can do, and that's ok!
As always, if you need help figuring out what you want to show up to, contact me to set up a coaching session. Remember, show up!
Hello again! It's time for my weekly blog post. This one is going to be pretty short and to the point: you can't hold on to people. Ok, that's it, bye!!
Just kidding! But really, let that sink in. You can't hold on to people. What does that mean?
Well, people are autonomous, right? They make their own choices. Which means you can't control them or their decisions, if they made the decision to leave your life, you have to let them. That being said, of course it's ok to grieve their loss. But you can't hold on to them. You have to let people go when they want to be let go, it's the only way to move on and find your true happiness. If they made the choice to leave you then that person - whether it was a romantic relationship or not - wasn't your true happiness. Believe what people tell you and even more so, what they show you. People are only as good as their actions and intentions.
Happy Quarantine Week #879... or something.
First, let's talk definitions.
Boundaries: open ended, they don't have to be either/or, they simply block out some of the possibilities, they are something you set for yourself. Boundaries likely show up as "I" statements. i.e. "I need ____ from you so I can feel content"
Ultimatums: come from the desire for control or force. They shut down all other options. Ultimatums likely show up as "you" statements. i.e. "you need to fix _____ for me to stay with you"
When you're setting your boundaries, remember, they need to come from your personal needs or wants, not as a way to manipulate someone else. When others are setting their own boundaries, remember, they shouldn't make you feel stuck, if you do feel stuck it is most likely an ultimatum. Also, when you are setting boundaries make sure you are willing to follow through with the "consequences", otherwise it turns into a threat or something you are holding over your partner. For example: "For me to feel like this relationship is healthy and sustainable I need us to work on _____, either through counseling or some alternative, otherwise, I will need to leave the relationship". This might look like a slippery slope - and it is - if the answer to this statement is "I am not willing to work with you on this" then that person has to follow through with their boundary (leaving the relationship) for it to be considered a boundary. Otherwise, the "I will leave you if you don't do ____" becomes a threat or an ultimatum.
Essentially, it is all in the intent which is why it can be such a slippery slope. However, there is a big difference between the intent to take care of yourself and the intent to manipulate or control your partner.
Happiness is in your control.
Nothing you have and nothing you do is going to make you happy.
Happiness is a state of mind.
Do you want to feel happy? Ask yourself; what would I be thinking if I was happy? Remember the post about your thoughts determining your feelings? This is a prime example! If you can change your thought pattern then you can change your feelings; "I am unhappy with my career" -------> "I am where I need to be right now" or "I am working to change my career path". Putting a positive spin on your thoughts and circumstances can help make the elusive "happiness" a reality.
Remember, if you believe a thought it will create an emotion. The trick to believing a thought? Repetition! Repeat the thought to yourself, try to sit with it and breathe it in, the more you do the more believable it becomes!
A Persian poet named Jalal ad-Din Muhammad Rumi once said,
Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it
Dissecting this quote, what does it mean? Have you ever heard people say that before you can enter a relationship you, yourself have to be whole? That's what I think of when I read this quote. Finding all the barriers within yourself that are keeping you from loving fully is the best thing you can do for your current or future partner. Honestly, it's the best thing you can do for yourself. I want to encourage you, when you read this quote and others like it, to think not only of loving others but also of loving yourself. The secret to life? Loving yourself. The way to love others and yourself? Find the barriers, go all the way within and seek out those "things" those "triggers" find the root of them and push yourself to work through it and move forward in a positive way.
Your personal feelings about people, situations, things, experiences, etc. are all based on your thoughts. This might be incredibly obvious to some but I really want you to sit in that for a second. Your feelings are based on your thoughts. That makes it obvious, then, that if you can change your thoughts; you can change your feelings. It doesn't, however, work the other way around, you can't change your feelings first. So, here's how to change your feelings, make a new truth for yourself.
Let's say you feel angry towards a family member. You can't change that feeling but you can change the thought behind that feeling.
Before you can do that though you have to really understand the thought, not the surface thoughts that are meant to distract you, the true, deep thought. The one that might hurt to realize or might struggle coming out. That's the thought you have to really understand. So, if you're looking to change a feeling look deep within yourself, sit with the feeling for awhile and figure out what the true thought is, then rewrite a different thought. Instead of "I'm angry because..." you could say "I was hurt but I'm recovering" or "I was angry but I'm moving on"
Happy Monday Everyone!
I think this week's topic is currently relevant to so many of us, it's the idea that circumstances are outside of our control. This idea is most clear right now, in these uncertain times. You cannot control a circumstance. What you can control is how you respond. In the case of the world right now; you cannot control the fact that restaurants are closing, you can't control the disease spreading but you can control the protective measures you take for yourself and your community. This is an extreme example but hopefully helps get the point across. In other situations it might look like; you can't control losing your job, but you can control your response. You can either pull yourself up and go find another job or you can sit and wallow. Only one of those options will fix your circumstances. It doesn't serve you to be angry with the circumstances, they won't change. What you can do is feel that anger, let it run through you and then channel it into appropriate action.
Now, let's take it one step further; you cannot control people. Another person has their own autonomy, their own choices. You can't decide things for them, as hard as that may be. Giving yourself autonomy means giving others their autonomy as well. You can't make someone do something or decide a certain way, you might try to influence someone but I guarantee they will find the choice that suits them in the end, it might take a lot longer because they went down their "wrong" path but they will eventually find their "right" path.
Remember, you can only control yourself, you cannot control circumstances or people.
Stay safe out there!