Alright y'all I might just blow your minds with this one so get ready...
The absence of pain is not happiness
Did you read it? Ok, good! Now read it again, did you let it sink in? Good, here we go.
When something painful leaves your life that is not happiness, that feeling you're feeling? That's relief, that's your body telling you that you're one step closer to being at equilibrium NOT that you're happy. Happy is a movement from equilibrium upwards, happy is a choice. Think about a time when you have been happy, elated, carefree, now think about the feeling of relief, those are two separate things, right? So when you're thinking about cutting someone or something out of your life think about whether that will bring you closer to equilibrium, will it bring you relief? If so, you have your answer. Happiness is a choice, you can choose to be happy at any point in your life/journey but the relief you feel? That's your body giving you a clear path and answer. So what in your life would be a relief to let go of?
Alright, here's a topic most of you probably haven't heard of before, I hadn't until this last year. There are two different main ways to help build trust and rapport with other people, they are called mirroring and matching. When you see best friends get together you'll notice that they tend to sound and act alike, right? Well, there's a biological reason for that.
Mirroring is when you "copy" another person, it's as if you are reflecting their behaviors back to them. When done with respect mirroring generally creates a positive relationship.
Matching is when there's a slight time lapse between their behavior and your behavior. For example, if someone sits and crosses their legs you wait a couple seconds before doing so yourself.
This type of body language comprises 93% of our communication and it is so important to use these to your advantage. When building trust with another person it is very important that you consider your body language. We tend to do these things automatically with people we life and connect with, when we can start to use these techniques to our advantage in every day life we can enhance our relationships.
Make sure when you are doing this that you aren't mimicking the other person, this comes off as disingenuous and disrespectful. Try not to consciously mirror and/or match every action another person performs.
Do you usually mirror or match someone?
Alright readers, here's the post on tips for each attachment style! Whichever attachment style you connected most with, read those tips on how to bring your specific style closer to secure. And remember, it takes time to build habits, take on one tip at a time until you've got it down and then build on that progress by adding another.
1. Learn when to reach out to your friends or loved ones. Are you wanting to connect with the other person or wanting to regulate yourself? Some questions to ask: "Is this interaction to benefit myself or the relationship?" and "Who is the best person to talk to about my situation?"
2. Let go of relationships when your need for security isn't being met. Anxiously attached people often gravitate towards avoidantly attached people, when this happens the relationship usually blows up.
3. Try to look for secure people in your life and see how they interact with their friends/loved ones/partners. This can help give you an example of what to strive for.
1. Start exploring your own emotions. If you don't understand how you feel and when you want to connect it's going to be very hard for you to empathize with your partner. Understand that they have legitimate feelings, validate them whenever possible.
2. If you need to take space from someone or a situation identify when you will be coming back. Hold yourself accountable to it. Anxiously attached people usually find themselves in relationships with avoidantly attached people and the exact opposite is true.
3. Know your partner and their triggers so you can get ahead of them while also recognizing your own so you can take steps towards more healthy reactions when triggers push your buttons.
As always, if you or someone you know is struggling with this concept or needs help creating balance in their relationships or their life contact me to set up a complimentary discovery call.
Attachment styles are the ways in which we create relationships with other people, it's our go-to reaction when something happens and it's our mindset throughout relationship.
There are 3 main types of attachment, secure attachment, anxious attachment and avoidant attachment. Now the question is, which one are you? Here are some general characteristics for each type:
~Being warm and loving in a relationship comes naturally to you
~You enjoy being intimate without becoming overly worried about the relationship
~You share your success and problems with your mate, and are able to be there for him or her in times of need
~You love to be very close to your partner and have the capacity for great intimacy but that intimacy comes with the fear that your partner does not wish to be as close as you do
~Relationships tend to consume a large part of your emotional energy
~You tend to be sensitive to your partner's moods and actions, although you tend to be accurate you also tend to take your partner's behaviors personally
~Independence is very important to you, you often prefer autonomy to intimate relationships
~You do want to be close to others but feel uncomfortable when you get "too" close
~You tend not to open up to our partners and they often complain that you are emotionally distant
Where do you most identify? Everyone is on a journey so if you connect with more than one of the above that is completely natural. Stay tuned for more tips and tricks on how to bring your attachment closer to secure if you're more on the anxious or avoidant side, as well as how to connect with a partner that has a different attachment style than you.
Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel S.F. Heller
I support individuals who find their lives are unbalanced, whether that's from working too much, having unhealthy relationships with themselves or others, or simply needing more from their lives.