I'm going to start this blog post with a quote from a book called Attached, "The more effectively dependent people are on one another, the more independent and daring they become". Attached is a wonderful resource that I encourage you all to read, it's written by Amir Levine and Rachel S.F. Heller.
Now, back to the quote! "Effectively dependent" are the key words, co-dependency is a different thing that we will cover in another post! Effective dependency looks like good communication, trust, and healthy boundaries. We want to be able to depend on our partners, to be there, to support us, to listen to us. Being able to effectively depend on our partners is the crux of a good relationship. In our current society it's taboo to need someone else, we are constantly reading and watching messages saying "independence is important" and "depending on a partner is weakness" when in actuality it is the exact opposite. Being able to depend on your partner requires vulnerability, yes, but it will create more independence when you are able to depend on your partner. When you can confidently say, "I can depend on and trust my partner to be there for me" it then gives you the confidence to be independent in your actions. You can go do the things you need to do and be sure that when you come back you have a partner who supports you.
The question then becomes "how do I cultivate this in my own relationship?" The answer is vulnerable communication, trust, and healthy boundaries. When you have a problem with something pertaining to your relationship have a discussion about it, talk about how you are feeling and possible solutions, or, if there is no solution let your partner know that they don't have to fix it for you. If you are having trouble trusting your partner when they leave to go do the things they need to do make sure you are taking care of yourself too, only once your own self is filled with love and trust can you extend that to your partner. Lastly, healthy boundaries, if you are needing some time alone make sure you explicitly tell your partner, make sure your boundary and the reason behind your boundary is clear, there needs to be no confusion. Confusion or unsaid expectations leads to hurt feelings.
As always, if you or someone you know is struggling with this concept feel free to message me directly to set up a coaching session.
Alright readers, it's Election Day and today we're going to be talking about loving ourselves because today it's one of the best things you can do for yourself.
There are two main ways to love yourself, the first is by loving how you look and the second is by loving who you are. Now, you might be thinking that one of these two ways is more important, right? Well, let me tell you a secret, they are both equally important, so I'm going to give you some starter tips to get you going on each.
Loving how you look.
1. When you are in the bathroom/in front of a mirror, look yourself in the eyes and find one positive thing about your body, your physical being
2. When you have a bad thought ie "My thighs are fat" I want you to stop, take a second, breathe and then rewrite that thought. Something like "I am beautiful", "I am strong", "I am handsome", anything that brings you back to a loving self.
3. Don't repeat other peoples comments to yourself, they simply don't deserve your attention. If you find yourself thinking about what another person said about you I want you to redirect that thought. "yes, and" statements are really helpful here. "This person said _____ about me, yes, AND I think ______ about myself"
Loving who you are:
1. See number one for the previous section, EXCEPT I want you to come up with statements that apply to who you are, ie characteristics and statements such as, "I am capable", "I am compassionate", "I am brave".
2. I want you to let go of the fact that you have to be perfect, in every situation that you find yourself striving for more when you don't have to I want you to stop, take a breath and then let it go.
3. When you have a negative thought I want you to accept it. If you think to yourself "I did terribly on this project" I want you to counter it with acceptance, 'yes, I did, AND I am still worthy, I did everything I could do with the knowledge, information and resources I had at that time and next time I will do better"
As always, if you have any questions or want to work with someone on this topic feel free to contact me to set up a coaching session. Make sure to give yourself grace with this topic, it's not going to get better instantly but every time you do one of these things you are moving yourself towards more self acceptance.
I support individuals who find their lives are unbalanced, whether that's from working too much, having unhealthy relationships with themselves or others, or simply needing more from their lives.