As I'm sure you've noticed I took a small break from posting on my blog and other social medias. My life went from busy to astronomically so. This is just a quick reminder post that it is ok to take a break. I'm giving you permission and I want you to give yourself permission. Life can get hectic so take the time you need and set down certain responsibilities to take care of other things that come first, the thing you set down will be there when you come back to it! I am hoping to get back on a regular schedule of writing and this is my first step back to that goal.
This weeks post is going to go over the 5 one languages, now, a lot of you might have already heard of this but for those of you who haven't, read on! Also, if you have heard of this still keep reading - there might be something you didn't know.
The Five Love Languages: How To Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate is a book from 1992 by Gary Chapman. It's a wonderful read that I highly suggest if you want to learn more. According to Chapman, there are 5 ways to express love to one another:
~Acts of Service
~Words of Affirmation
Essentially each person gives and receives love in one of these 5 ways, the tricky thing is, the way you want to give love may not be the way you want to receive love so you'll have to think about it in both ways. Additionally, the way you give love may not be the way your partner understands love.
Let's dive into some definitions.
~Quality Time centers around togetherness. It requires expressing your love and affection by giving your partner undivided attention. This means no phones or electronics, no interrupting with other "things". Maintaining eye contact is important for this love language, your partner wants to feel seen and heard. Active listening is another great way to enhance this experience for your partner.
~Acts of Service is defined as doing something for the other person, it might be a chore they knew they had to get done that day. Essentially you are taking something, a responsibility, off of their daily to-do list.
~Physical Touch is being close to one another, this doesn't always have to mean intimacy in the bedroom but can also mean a joint bath or cuddling on the couch, something that creates physical closeness and intimacy.
~Gift Giving is not usually as lavish as it sounds, this could be something as simple as being at the store and seeing something you think your partner might like - flowers, chocolates, lotion, keychain, jewelry, etc - and bringing it home for them. It is a way to let your partner know you are thinking of them, even when you are apart.
~Words of Affirmation: this love language is all about how you speak to your partner. This type of partner wants to hear about how much you care about and love them. It is how they know what you are thinking and feeling without having to be asked. If your partner is asking you how you're doing or what you're thinking often they usually want to hear something heartfelt and genuine about your relationship.
Which of these most sound like you? Once you've figured out how you like to be loved, assess your partner, how do they like to be loved? Start doing more things in their love language and see what it can do for your communication.
If you need more help figuring out your love language here is the link to a quiz to help you better assess, https://www.5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/
Alright y'all I might just blow your minds with this one so get ready...
The absence of pain is not happiness
Did you read it? Ok, good! Now read it again, did you let it sink in? Good, here we go.
When something painful leaves your life that is not happiness, that feeling you're feeling? That's relief, that's your body telling you that you're one step closer to being at equilibrium NOT that you're happy. Happy is a movement from equilibrium upwards, happy is a choice. Think about a time when you have been happy, elated, carefree, now think about the feeling of relief, those are two separate things, right? So when you're thinking about cutting someone or something out of your life think about whether that will bring you closer to equilibrium, will it bring you relief? If so, you have your answer. Happiness is a choice, you can choose to be happy at any point in your life/journey but the relief you feel? That's your body giving you a clear path and answer. So what in your life would be a relief to let go of?
Alright, here's a topic most of you probably haven't heard of before, I hadn't until this last year. There are two different main ways to help build trust and rapport with other people, they are called mirroring and matching. When you see best friends get together you'll notice that they tend to sound and act alike, right? Well, there's a biological reason for that.
Mirroring is when you "copy" another person, it's as if you are reflecting their behaviors back to them. When done with respect mirroring generally creates a positive relationship.
Matching is when there's a slight time lapse between their behavior and your behavior. For example, if someone sits and crosses their legs you wait a couple seconds before doing so yourself.
This type of body language comprises 93% of our communication and it is so important to use these to your advantage. When building trust with another person it is very important that you consider your body language. We tend to do these things automatically with people we life and connect with, when we can start to use these techniques to our advantage in every day life we can enhance our relationships.
Make sure when you are doing this that you aren't mimicking the other person, this comes off as disingenuous and disrespectful. Try not to consciously mirror and/or match every action another person performs.
Do you usually mirror or match someone?
Alright readers, here's the post on tips for each attachment style! Whichever attachment style you connected most with, read those tips on how to bring your specific style closer to secure. And remember, it takes time to build habits, take on one tip at a time until you've got it down and then build on that progress by adding another.
1. Learn when to reach out to your friends or loved ones. Are you wanting to connect with the other person or wanting to regulate yourself? Some questions to ask: "Is this interaction to benefit myself or the relationship?" and "Who is the best person to talk to about my situation?"
2. Let go of relationships when your need for security isn't being met. Anxiously attached people often gravitate towards avoidantly attached people, when this happens the relationship usually blows up.
3. Try to look for secure people in your life and see how they interact with their friends/loved ones/partners. This can help give you an example of what to strive for.
1. Start exploring your own emotions. If you don't understand how you feel and when you want to connect it's going to be very hard for you to empathize with your partner. Understand that they have legitimate feelings, validate them whenever possible.
2. If you need to take space from someone or a situation identify when you will be coming back. Hold yourself accountable to it. Anxiously attached people usually find themselves in relationships with avoidantly attached people and the exact opposite is true.
3. Know your partner and their triggers so you can get ahead of them while also recognizing your own so you can take steps towards more healthy reactions when triggers push your buttons.
As always, if you or someone you know is struggling with this concept or needs help creating balance in their relationships or their life contact me to set up a complimentary discovery call.
Attachment styles are the ways in which we create relationships with other people, it's our go-to reaction when something happens and it's our mindset throughout relationship.
There are 3 main types of attachment, secure attachment, anxious attachment and avoidant attachment. Now the question is, which one are you? Here are some general characteristics for each type:
~Being warm and loving in a relationship comes naturally to you
~You enjoy being intimate without becoming overly worried about the relationship
~You share your success and problems with your mate, and are able to be there for him or her in times of need
~You love to be very close to your partner and have the capacity for great intimacy but that intimacy comes with the fear that your partner does not wish to be as close as you do
~Relationships tend to consume a large part of your emotional energy
~You tend to be sensitive to your partner's moods and actions, although you tend to be accurate you also tend to take your partner's behaviors personally
~Independence is very important to you, you often prefer autonomy to intimate relationships
~You do want to be close to others but feel uncomfortable when you get "too" close
~You tend not to open up to our partners and they often complain that you are emotionally distant
Where do you most identify? Everyone is on a journey so if you connect with more than one of the above that is completely natural. Stay tuned for more tips and tricks on how to bring your attachment closer to secure if you're more on the anxious or avoidant side, as well as how to connect with a partner that has a different attachment style than you.
Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel S.F. Heller
Have you ever made a mistake and thought, "why didn't I do better?"
Well, for starters, you're not alone, a whole lot of us think that way. But I want to challenge you to THINK better instead of DO better. When you make a mistake remember, you are on your way to learning something and now you know how NOT to do it. Whether you're creating something, handling something, or communicating something you are constantly in a state of learning and your mindset is what changes your learning from "mistakes" to "triumphs".
When you find yourself thinking "Why didn't I do _____" I want to invite you to instead think "Look at how I did _____, and _____ is what I could do better". We always want to improve, right? So I want you to keep the "I could be better about _____" and simply insert the "I did _____ well". That way we can see both sides of the coin and keep our positivity through our learning, I promise, it makes learning so much more fun when you think of your successes too!
Remember, if you or anyone you know is struggling with finding the positives feel free to contact me to set up a coaching call.
I'm going to start this blog post with a quote from a book called Attached, "The more effectively dependent people are on one another, the more independent and daring they become". Attached is a wonderful resource that I encourage you all to read, it's written by Amir Levine and Rachel S.F. Heller.
Now, back to the quote! "Effectively dependent" are the key words, co-dependency is a different thing that we will cover in another post! Effective dependency looks like good communication, trust, and healthy boundaries. We want to be able to depend on our partners, to be there, to support us, to listen to us. Being able to effectively depend on our partners is the crux of a good relationship. In our current society it's taboo to need someone else, we are constantly reading and watching messages saying "independence is important" and "depending on a partner is weakness" when in actuality it is the exact opposite. Being able to depend on your partner requires vulnerability, yes, but it will create more independence when you are able to depend on your partner. When you can confidently say, "I can depend on and trust my partner to be there for me" it then gives you the confidence to be independent in your actions. You can go do the things you need to do and be sure that when you come back you have a partner who supports you.
The question then becomes "how do I cultivate this in my own relationship?" The answer is vulnerable communication, trust, and healthy boundaries. When you have a problem with something pertaining to your relationship have a discussion about it, talk about how you are feeling and possible solutions, or, if there is no solution let your partner know that they don't have to fix it for you. If you are having trouble trusting your partner when they leave to go do the things they need to do make sure you are taking care of yourself too, only once your own self is filled with love and trust can you extend that to your partner. Lastly, healthy boundaries, if you are needing some time alone make sure you explicitly tell your partner, make sure your boundary and the reason behind your boundary is clear, there needs to be no confusion. Confusion or unsaid expectations leads to hurt feelings.
As always, if you or someone you know is struggling with this concept feel free to message me directly to set up a coaching session.
Alright readers, it's Election Day and today we're going to be talking about loving ourselves because today it's one of the best things you can do for yourself.
There are two main ways to love yourself, the first is by loving how you look and the second is by loving who you are. Now, you might be thinking that one of these two ways is more important, right? Well, let me tell you a secret, they are both equally important, so I'm going to give you some starter tips to get you going on each.
Loving how you look.
1. When you are in the bathroom/in front of a mirror, look yourself in the eyes and find one positive thing about your body, your physical being
2. When you have a bad thought ie "My thighs are fat" I want you to stop, take a second, breathe and then rewrite that thought. Something like "I am beautiful", "I am strong", "I am handsome", anything that brings you back to a loving self.
3. Don't repeat other peoples comments to yourself, they simply don't deserve your attention. If you find yourself thinking about what another person said about you I want you to redirect that thought. "yes, and" statements are really helpful here. "This person said _____ about me, yes, AND I think ______ about myself"
Loving who you are:
1. See number one for the previous section, EXCEPT I want you to come up with statements that apply to who you are, ie characteristics and statements such as, "I am capable", "I am compassionate", "I am brave".
2. I want you to let go of the fact that you have to be perfect, in every situation that you find yourself striving for more when you don't have to I want you to stop, take a breath and then let it go.
3. When you have a negative thought I want you to accept it. If you think to yourself "I did terribly on this project" I want you to counter it with acceptance, 'yes, I did, AND I am still worthy, I did everything I could do with the knowledge, information and resources I had at that time and next time I will do better"
As always, if you have any questions or want to work with someone on this topic feel free to contact me to set up a coaching session. Make sure to give yourself grace with this topic, it's not going to get better instantly but every time you do one of these things you are moving yourself towards more self acceptance.
Taking criticisms can be really taxing. Knowing what to say while being criticized can be even harder. Most of us aren't taught what to say or do to take criticism well. Instead, we have to learn it. In this weeks blog post we will discuss different tips and tricks to taking criticisms, deciding if they are serving you, if you want to change or if you want to let them go.
Obviously, listening is the first step, we all know that we are supposed to listen when people are talking to us, discussing their thoughts and feelings. So why is this so hard to actually do? We all know about it and yet, turning off the defensiveness switch and turning on the listening ears is much harder than it should be. Here's the tip, instead of listening to respond, listen to pause. This is the first step in active listening. When you are listening to pause and let comments wash over you it is much less stressful both for yourself and for the person giving the criticism. It also helps the other person feel heard and as a bonus you get a second to think.
Step two is actually responding, after you pause and gather your thoughts make sure you consider the best way to represent yourself. Being genuine is the best way to go about responding, if you genuinely didn't know you were coming across in a certain way, say so. If you genuinely are apologetic, say so. The best thing to respond with is what you are actually feeling, seeing or understanding. Another tip, if you disagree with the criticism you should not stifle your own opinion to make someone else happy, try starting your sentence with "From my side, it feels like _______". That way the disagreement is not an attack of the other person but more of a perspective shift.
Lastly, own it and ask questions! If you don't understand what they are referring to or how to "be better" communicate that and see if they have any ideas. Maybe the other person has struggled with what you are struggling with and they could offer you some advice.
Remember, the most important part of taking criticism is being authentic, genuine and true to your own feelings and needs.
I support individuals who find their lives are unbalanced, whether that's from working too much, having unhealthy relationships with themselves or others, or simply needing more from their lives.